Thursday, February 5, 2015

The big 3-7.

I turned the big 3-7 on Friday. We ate pizza and cake. My husband gave me an alarm clock, a beautiful card with all three kids' handprints in it, and a Mountain Dew water jug the size of Hulk Hogan's face. It's huge. And I love it. It is seriously just what I wanted.

Something about turning 37 has made me reflective and introspective. In three years, I turn 40. 40. That's weird. Especially because just five years ago, I really believed my dream of having babies would go unlived. But the babies came. And they came fast and furious, these three. One after the other, really. Not a day goes by that I don't look at them and think they are more incredible then I ever could have imagined.

It's funny, really, because if you would have asked me five years ago what I imagined, I would sound so completely idiotic that the now-version-of-me would have to ask the then-version-of-me if I was on crack.

So, in honor of turning the big 3-7, I have compiled a list entitled "The crap no one tells you about having children." The crap I NEVER, not EVER, could have imagined, not even in my very wildest of dreams. 

This is just the tip of the "What no one ever tells you about" iceberg, people.

Just the tip.

And now I feel like this is getting dirty, so I better get this going....

#1 - You will touch boogers. Piles of boogers. Like every day.

#2 - And pee.

#3 - And poop.

#4 - And vomit. Sometimes, if you're as lucky as my husband, you might get their vomit in your mouth. It's super rewarding. You'll love it.

#5 - You will pull binkies out of toilets.

#6 - And you will never, not ever, go to the bathroom by yourself again. Going pee is a family outing. Every time. Every. Time.

#7 - Sometimes you will pee while holding a colicky baby because said colicky baby's crying has you so terrified that you will not even consider putting the colicky baby down. Even to pee.

#8 - They will create a rotating schedule of "Who gets to wake up mom and dad tonight and at what intervals?" among them. You must not sleep. They hate that. And you will be so tired, you will brush your teeth with Desitin.

#9 - You will find yourself saying "Stop smacking your sister on the head with your Go-Gurt" and "I will give $100 if you eat two bites of chicken" or "You are not supposed to eat toothpaste."

#10 - They will say "Don't say 'shit,' mom. That's a bad word..." and  "My penis's name is Angel. He lives with God." You will be left speechless. Utterly speechless.

#11 - They will develop obsessions. Random obsessions that make you seriously consider investing in counseling. For them, not you. Okay, maybe for all of you. Like insisting on carrying as many containers of floss as possible in a teeny, tiny purse that must be taken with them everywhere they go.

#12 - After reading the same book 186 nights in a row, you will hide said book and tell the children, who will undoubtedly ask for it on the 187th night, that you don't know where it is. Because you are, after all, Mother of the Year, and Mothers of the Year have their limits.

#13 - They will demand that you play "Uptown Funk," Gangnam Style," and "Shake it Off," in that exact order, every morning and every afternoon. EVERY morning and EVERY afternoon.

#14 - You will find food on your walls.

#15 - And on your couches.

#16 - And in your bed.

#17 - And in your bra. 

#18 - You will repeat yourself at least 23 times for each direction you give. This means you will repeat yourself all day long. So when your husband asks you to repeat yourself, you will want to bash your head into a brick wall. Repeatedly.

#19 - They will repeat what you say in the exact way you say it. When your 3-year-old informs you that "Your behavior is unacceptable," you may just automatically put yourself in time out.

#20 - They will climb bookshelves and BBQ grills and walls and bathroom vanities.

#21 - Or, if you're really awesome, they will disappear and not respond as you are yelling for them at the top of your lungs, convinced they have somehow been kidnapped from your home, only to find them standing in the back of your pickup truck, outside. OUTSIDE. Without you.

#22 - One morning, while you quickly run downstairs to get the older ones some milk, you will return only to find your baby playing with a dead bird that your cat drug in during the 55 seconds you left the room. And you will scream so loud that you will literally scare the livin' begeezus out of all of the children, causing long-term permanent psychological damage.

#23 - You will want to kill Dora.

#24 - And Diego.

#25 - They will drink water from the dog bowl. And nibble on cat food from the cat feeder. By the third baby, you won't even care.

#26 - They will cry. And cry and cry and cry. Because you asked them to pee before bed. Or help pick up the 1,000 toys strewn across the living room floor. Or because one brother body slammed the other brother into a wall.

#27 - So you will cry. Sometimes with them. Sometimes after them. Sometimes by yourself.

#28 - Sometimes you will cry because you love them so deeply, and so fiercely, and so completely, that you will feel like you need to burst. So you will.

#29 - And because of this, you won't be able to watch the news, or read the news, or listen to the news. The world, and all of its suffering, will feel like too much to bear.

#30 - Because the moment each child is placed in your arms, everything about the inside YOU changes. Everything. Every thought, every hope, every dream instantly becomes about him. And him. And her.

#31 - You will daydream about a moment alone - just one moment alone. And when you get it, you will want the children back. Like now.

#32 - Because they are your living, breathing dreams come true.

#33 - The best decisions you ever made.

#34 - The most incredible works of art you have ever created.

#35 - And you would do it all again. The miscarriages, the paperwork, the exhaustion, the surprise, the mess, the climbing, the tantrums, the crying, the bed rest, the hospital stay, the fear, the guilt, the love. In a heartbeat. Without a second thought.

#36 - Because they are joy. Joy personified. Joy with the most incredible eyes, the most addictive smiles, and the most precious voices you have ever, ever heard.

#37 - And at the end of each day, when you finally have all three of them in bed - despite knowing they begin their nightly rotation of waking you up every two hours in approximately two hours - you will feel like you have the most incredible life on the entire planet. Because they are yours. And you are theirs. And you're in this together. Forever.

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