One

To my baby boy...

Today you turned one. ONE. And as I watched you marching around the house, carrying your enormous mylar balloons and waving hi to everything in sight, I couldn't help but think to myself, "This year has gone by way too fast." Cliché, but true. You are such a little man now and the center of our world. The joy you have brought into my life and your papa’s is immeasurable. You are everything we dreamed of and more.

It is amazing how since day one, you have innately been YOU. Your curiosity about everything around you is incredible. You take everything and everyone in no matter where we go, which is a trait I hope you never lose. Your energy and intensity never cease to amaze me – you go, go, go, go, and that is not an exaggeration. Your love of music and kitties warms my heart and your hugs and kisses are the highlight of my day. I just have loved watching you be you, and hope you know that every minute of every day, all I ever want for you is to be exactly who you are.

The day you were placed in our arms was a day we have to admit that we had waited not so patiently for. All I have to do now is look into your enormous brown eyes and I know, with every fiber of my being, that life is exactly as it should be, and it is better than I could have ever imagined. You remind me every day that good things come to those who wait, that sometimes life is fair, and that throwing your arms up into the air with the high-pitched squeal of a pterodactyl is sometimes the only way to say how you really feel.

Happy 1st Birthday, Nico. I love you bigger than all the mountains and deeper than all the seas.

Mama

Reality Check

Okay, so it's for real. I am really having a baby. Like, really, really having a baby.

I haven't been in denial or anything, and I certainly have understood that this ever growing bulge that rotates and jabs and rolls inside me is indeed a baby. But for some reason, it hasn't felt real until yesterday when I went in for my 36 week check, which I knew was going to be the first time they did any "real" sort of checking, if you know what I mean. And can I just say for the record that this checking freakin' hurts??? Holy Mary, women of America!!! I realize that what is about to come is going to be 1000 times worse but my lady parts are currently a bit tender and checking HURTS! Okay, I digress...

Here is what made this whole "I am having a baby" thing real:

Doctor (with hands placed firmly inside me): Oh! You are already 2 to 3 centimeters dialated and 80% effaced!

Me: I am????

Doctor (whose hands are now on the outside): Yes! Look, you're even spotting (showing me his rubber gloves)!

Me (thinking "Get that out of my face."): Oh.

Doctor: You need to go home and pack a bag - just to be safe.

So I know it could be two days or it could be two weeks or it could be never, but for some reason, hearing the words "dialated" and "effaced" have made this very, very real.

I am having a baby! I would prefer to have this baby after this weekend so I can celebrate my first's first and my second's impending arrival, but nonetheless, I am having a BABY!!!

Somebody pinch me now!

Flips and Philosophy

Okay, so I am going to do it. I am going to take a picture of my belly and post it for the world to see.

Drum roll please...

This is what 33 weeks pregnant looks like - at least on me - and I am trying to embrace it.

I feel huge. Enormous. Kind of like a beluga whale. And as excited as I am about creating and carrying this life, pregnancy has been HARD. Really, really hard.

I have puked. I have experienced some pretty decent flowing bloody noses. Now I have mucus coming out of all sorts of body parts. I used to walk - like a human. Now I waddle - like a duck. I used to run up our stairs in 2 seconds flat. Now I heave myself up them by gripping our stair rail with all my might. My boobs ache. My back hurts. My hips throb. I have peed my pants - a lot. Glowing is the farthest thing from what I have done the last seven and a half months.

And so I haven't wanted pictures, for me, for you, or for anyone else to see.

Until today.

Because today I recieved the news that a dear friend passed away yesterday after a very long and unfair battle with cancer. I knew this day wasn't far off after visiting her in the hospital on Mother's Day, but I nonetheless am so, so sad that my friend is gone. This friend taught me that age is not a predictor of connection or friendship, and that joy can always be found in really good food, really good stories, and in the idiosyncracies of marriage. This friend always rejuvinated my teaching spirit and opened her home to all of us without expectations or conditions. I love her deeply and I will miss her dearly.

So today I celebrate life, particularly the one growing inside me. Because as hard as pregnancy has been and as huge as I feel, life is fleeting and fragile and often times unfair.

Today, my belly is a sign of all that is good in the world. As my little one flips and kicks and thrives within me, I celebrate LIFE and I am so, so thankful for that.

Mother's Day Surprises

My husband made my heart sing yesterday, and in fact, I am pretty sure my heart is still rocking out today.

Here's the thing - when I met Trevor, I knew immediately I loved him and I knew immediately I would marry him. Leaving out the sordid details nobody wants to hear anyway, let's just say that on about day 11 of our dating relationship I told him I loved him (there may have been some innebriation involved), and instead of making him run far, far away from me, he reciprocated my sentiments shortly thereafter. I would like to tell you that it has all been a fairytale story from then on out, but the truth is, there have been moments where I am pretty sure that running far, far away from me has been on his mind. Perhaps I will delve into this topic later, but let's just say that infertility can take its toll on a marriage, and in the end, we both have often been left to feel unheard by the other.

But yesterday, my husband showed me that his love for me has never wavered. Yesterday, my husband showed me he has been listening the whole time.

I was told I needed to be out of our house for six hours. I was told I was going to a movie with my mother, and so I did. While I watched Robert Pattinson petting an elephant and making out with Reese Witherspoon, I ate a crap load of nachos smothered with a crap load of nacho cheese. It was HEAVEN.

The truth is, the movie would have been more than enough, but apparently not for Trevor.

By the time I got home many hours later, I arrived to a home with freshly cleaned carpets... including the stairs. The same stairs that I have complained about literally WEEKLY for the last 6 months. The same stairs that have become more and more covered with pet hair, reminding me every day that I simply cannot keep up with my home. In short, and perhaps most importantly, the same stairs that have represented my feelings of inadequacy as a mother and a wife.

And my husband cleaned them.

He cleaned the carpets and he cleaned the stairs and I wanted to cry because he HEARD ME. My husband heard me and responded in kind. But it didn't stop there.

On the kitchen counter was our laptop with this waiting for me:

Because you cannot see it, here is what he wrote:

"The last eleven months have been an amazing time. I can look back with wonder and joy not only at how we have gotten to watch little man grow but also how we have grown as parents. You are an amazing mother to Nicolas, the amount of love that you have for him is amazing and the joy and wonder that you show as his world expands is a lesson for us all. You really have made him the center of your world. Just as we are fortunate that Nicolas is in our life and that he will be joined by a baby brother in the near future, they are lucky that they have been delivered to you. I know that the future will be full of life, laughter, and love."

Let's ignore the fact that he forgot the "h" in our son's name, because as I stood there in my kitchen reading these words, I cried and cried and cried...in front of my in-laws and my mother and my baby and I didn't care because my husband HEARD me.

A movie, clean carpets, clean stairs, and words just for me.

God, I love that man.

He heard me and my heart is singing.

A Fresh Start...

I am ready to give this a go again.

It has been more than six months since I have blogged about, well, anything. I have thought about coming back here often, but then sleeping sounded much, much better than blogging about, well, anything.

The thing is, there has just been too much.

Too much good, that is.

First there was this - a home purchased that needed much tender, loving care. A home I was ready to sand and paint alongside my husband. A home that literally tripled our living space and was placed perfectly next to a community pool and across the street from a playground and an elementary school. A home to raise our baby boy in, and I was pumped.

And then we found out about this - literally the day after we signed the papers on the above. This was not planned and this meant weeks of worry that perhaps we would have to relive the grief of two prior "this-es." But this time was different. Immediately. This time there was a dot at 5 weeks, a bean at 6 weeks, a very tiny human at 12 weeks, and a bouncing, baby boy at 17 weeks who was very pleased to show us his parts multiple times. This time I puked for 20 weeks straight and therefore I wasn't able to help with the sanding and the painting of the home bought for our baby boy - now our baby boys. And now at 31 weeks today, I look forward to seeing this little man face to face, to introduce him to his brother, and to have his father carry him for a little while. It is amazing how with a little bit of faith and a whole lot of surrendering, the family you always dreamed of can come to fruition before your very eyes.

Which brings me to him - the very BEST thing that has ever happened to his mama and papa. He has sprouted a couple teeth, a bit more hair, and a few more inches. He has taken his first couple of wobbly steps all on his own and he LOVES to get down to some good music. Best of all, he sleeps through the night with an occassional display of displeasure at not being able to find his binky in the dark. Our Nico continues to show his unbelievably strong will and has proven that you can communicate exactly what you want and need without uttering a single word. He waves goodbye in the morning now, meows back at the kitties, and gives the hugest most slobbery-est kisses ever known to humankind. In just a month and half our baby will be one and will shortly thereafter become a very little older brother...

... so here I am, friends, starting over with a new background, a new title, and a new appreciation for letting go and letting what will be, BE.

Here is to a fresh start...and a clean one at that.

Feet

It began with just one...
...but quickly turned to two.

And then they went in the mouth, which is currently where he prefers them to be.

Does someone want to tell me why we even bother with rattles?

Firsts...

October marked the first of many firsts...

There was the eating of cereal and peas. The peas won out by a land slide.

There was the sitting up in his little rubber seat (I forget what it's called), which made him look like a man. We are still waiting for the rolling over but the boy loves to stand and loves to sit in his seat.

And then there was the first Halloween. While he felt awful and struggled with a fever and the vomiting of phlegm, he and his cousin still made the best Thing 1 and Thing 2 I have ever seen.

And for the record, we are still patiently waiting for the first sleeping through the night.