We all have that stuff that keeps us up at night. This stuff is stuff that we don't usually say out loud. Or at least we like to pretend we don't, when we probably do. This stuff is what you think about when you have nine hours of standardized testing to proctor in one week. Thank you, Washington State public education!
This is my stuff - my stuff on the inside. You can take it as my confession.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
1. People who drive slow in the fast lane make me rage. Like rage that begins in the form of a very small flame but within 60 seconds is a forest fire that has engulfed several neighborhoods. Usually this rage reults in what some would call "expressive words" coming out of my mouth. Sometimes my children repeat these words right after I say them. Not. Good. At. All.
2. I am addicted to my phone. I panic when I don't know where I put it. I am bored when I have to pee without it, and I even get a little angry. It's a serious problem.
3. Cheap nacho cheese might just be my favorite food. I like it. A lot. Especially on nachos at the movie theater with a Diet Coke. Or with a soft pretzel, no salt please. Recently, while leaving the Natural History Musem in D.C., I bought myself a big soft pretzel with a big cup of nacho cheese. I took one delicous, heavenly bite and then I was approached by a homeless man who asked if I had any food I could give him. I gave him my pretzel and my cheese...and if I am honest, I almost asked for my cheese back.
4. Thanks to PBS, I have been addicted to cooking shows before there was ever a Food Network. "Yan Can Cook" and "Caprial's Cafe" were good shit. I miss them.
5. Sometimes I contemplate how I would feel if one day, all of my pets went for a walk and never came back. Sometimes I think this would make me feel really good. This, I understand, makes me the devil. And I don't really mean it, because sometimes Norah Jones will disappear for a couple of days and I start to hyperventilate, especially when she is not sitting on top of me while I read. I then demand that Trevor hang up signs around the neighborhood looking for her, which has me convinced this cat can read because once the signs are up, she comes back. Every single time.
6. I like big - and I mean BIG - cotton underwear. None of that g-string, silky, lacey, patchy crap. That's not underwear. That's a pirate patch. And pirate patches don't go there.
7. When Noah was born, like lots of babies, he had blue eyes. I thought I wanted them to stay blue, like his daddy's. But I was wrong. Now his eyes are hazel - just like mine - and the truth is, this makes me really, really happy. Like somehow I won. Mama -2 (I get 2 'cause Nico's eyes are brown and genetically, brown comes from my side), Daddy - 0.
8. My mom cut off my hair in the 2nd grade. I proceeded to look like a boy for three years after that...until the 5th grade when I begged her to let me grow my hair out. She relented, but said I could only grow out the back. Yes, only the back. I rocked that mullet like it was going out of style, which it was. So embarrasing.
9. I fall. A lot. There was one time I fell while crossing a very busy street in Seattle, and another time while walking down the Lincoln Memorial, and another time in front of one of my junior English classes. They gasped when that happened. I stood up and took a bow. They informed me that wasn't funny.
10. I love sleeping in sheets right out of the drier. I love bedding in general. I may or may not have lots and lots and lots of bedding that I switch out depending on the season.
11. Can someone please explain to me why my husband can go DAYS without wiping a kitchen counter, but if the tupperware drawer that nobody sees is "not organized," he loses his shiz-nit?
12. Sometimes I dream about plastic surgery. I think it would do this body good. And that is all I am going to say about that.
13. Sometimes I dream about leaving teaching and opening my own book store/bakery/refinished furniture store. It's a good combo, right? 'Cause I could sit in a really comfy refinished rocking chair with the next Barbara Kingsolver novel in one hand and a crossaint with cream cheese filling in the other and tell people that I was working.
14. Me gusta Reality TV. Amazing Race, Survivor, Dance Moms, The Biggest Loser, Real Housewives of Orange County. LOVE them. I dreamt a couple of weeks ago that I was The Bachelorette and I was down to my final two men. They were really, really hot. And then I woke up. I wish I was joking.
15. Khloe Kardashian is my favorite one. I just don't see how it could be any other way.
16. Sometimes I pretend I am middle-of-the-road politically. But I think this is a big, fat lie. I don't know why I do that.
17. I hate bullies. Actually, that's not true. I hate bullying. I feel bad for bullies, too, because I know they have their own stuff that keeps them up at night. But bullying makes me really, really mad. I don't lose it very often as a teacher, but bullying makes me lose it sometimes. Probably because I was bullied every day of my life in the 6th grade by a kid whose parents were going through a really awful divorce, and as the chubby girl with a mullet, I was an easy target. He called me "Sara-potomos" and I went home and cried. Every day. Sad. For both of us, really.
18. Sometimes I think my college boyfriend and I bullied each other a lot. That lasted for almost five years. Sad again. There was a time when I thought I couldn't live without him. For the record, that is a much different feeling than just not wanting to live without him. That's how Trevor makes me feel. And that is very, very different.
19. My brother and my sister are the best gifts my mom ever gave me. I hope and I pray that Nico and Noah feel the same way about each other. It is one of my greatest hopes, actually.
20. I love a brand new, freshly sharpened pencil almost as much as I love nacho cheese.
21. I hate boogers. And spiders. With a passion.
22. Trevor looks hot when he plays soccer every Sunday across the street. And when he skis. I like it. A lot.
23. I don't think I went swimming without wearing a t-shirt over my swimsuit until college. Seriously. As if this made me look smaller. I love being in my 30s. I love walking around in my swimsuit, free of wet t-shirt clinging to my body. "Love" might be a little strong, but whatever. If you don't like my thighs, then don't look at them. I try not to on most days, and it works out really well.
24.My BFF tells me the truth, even when it hurts, and I reciprocate this. She told me today my eyes were bloodshot. Everyone needs a BFF like this. Everyone.
25. Motherhood has made me morbid. I wasn't morbid before these babies. I swear. Now, I sometimes can't sleep for fear of babies not breathing or parents having aneurisms or planes with whole families in them falling from the sky. I hate this. Being alive has never mattered so much before, and that in and of itself is morbid. I don't want to miss one second. But just in case, Trevor has been informed that if I die, he has to buy a new bed for his new wife to sleep in. She can't sleep in my bed. And she better love my children or I will HAUNT THAT HOUSE UP! Clear?
26. Both of my children believe they are very funny. They will often say, "I funny!" Trevor has informed me this is my fault. "Why?," I asked. "Because you tell people you are funny all of the time," he said. "Oh." End of conversation.
27. I won the Soup Cook-off at school a couple of months ago. I was sooooooooo excited by this, that my excitement scared me. I didn't win much as a kid. Chubby girl + Mullet + Books = Lose. A lot.
28. I talk to my mom via phone and email numerous times a day, and she lives eight blocks away. The first time Trevor and I hung out at my house together, my mom called and she must have said something that upset me, so I yelled at her and hung up. Apparently I told Trevor not to worry. That this happened a lot and she would call back in a little bit like nothing happened. I was right. And nothing has changed in the six and a half years we have been together.
29. Has it really only been six and a half years? WTH? 'Cause it feel like a LIFETIME. In a good way, of course. A couple of houses, a couple of dogs, and a couple of kids will do that.
30. I think I want one more. I think. Just one. I am talking about a kid. Which means I will never sleep again and this makes me want to cry.
31. I cried last night because I was sooooooooo tired that I didn't know what else to do. I cried and I told Trevor I was mad that he hadn't cut his hair in a really long time. This is why I need to sleep. Not. Good. At. All. Again.
32. I want a garden with tomatoes and strawberries and green beans and onions and pumpkins. I want to can pie filling, and maybe some tomato sauce. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong generation, and then I think about the generations of women who came before me who lived in kitchens with three times as many kids as I have and I am happy that "wanting to garden" and "wanting to can" is just for fun.
33. I would pay a lot, a lot, a lot of money to see Phil Collins in concert. A lot.
34. I worry my house smells like dog. This worry can literally send me over the edge sometimes. Having a "dirty" house sends me into a panic. And this isn't pretty. Not pretty at all.
35. I almost just peed my pants at school from laughter at the impersonation of someone. Someone who shall remain nameless. This means it is time for me to go.